Give a Monster Rat a Cookie
by Tomas the Betrayer
Summary: Monster Rats are more human than not. And if you give them a chance, they might prove it in ways that even rodents would find offensive.


"VERMIN! HOW DARE YOU OFFEND THE GODS WITH SUCH SELF-SERVING LIES?!"

"Spare us your clamor, antiquated dolt! Methinks the gentleman doth protest too much!"

"I WILL NOT SUFFER SUCH OFFENCES FROM AN UPJUMPED TOADIE!"

"How dare you, you mindless lickspittle!"

"POISONOUS REGICIDE!"

"Subservient bootlicker!"

"BACKSTABBER!"

"Ass-kisser!"

"CROTCH-LICKER!"

" _Leg-humper!"_

Saki Watanabe observed the devolving argument somewhat abashedly. Both official representatives of the two largest Monster Rat colonies in all Japan had quickly lost any semblance of polite animosity they might have initially affected in the presence of their human hosts. The hulking Kiromaru of the Giant Hornet colony bore himself with an air of military dignity, silvery hair and beard tumbling down his furry pelt, narrow green eyes that were highly expressive and long snout boasting an array of fangs he took pains not to bare at his masters. Blunt and honest, the general of the Giant Hornets had a fierce disposition as it was, but he could normally be counted upon to behave with unwavering graciousness when paying homage to the Monster Rats' revered rulers. Yet it seemed his counterpart from the Robber Fly colony just brought out the worst in him.

" _SHRIMP-DICK!"_

Tiny little Yakomaru didn't reach up to the canine-like general's kneecaps, yet he gave as good as he got in this heated confrontation. Saki took this opportunity to observe the Robber Fly representative. When she had known him as Squealer, he was a sorry little thing, hairless and shrunken, dressed in rags with the pronounced slump and sad downturned eyes of a Monster Rat. Now those black and red orbs rose high and sharp, revealing nothing of what might be going on in the remarkably astute brain behind them. He no longer appeared quite so harmless. While lacking the raw power possessed by the much larger Kiromaru, she reminded herself that this one might be no less dangerous.

" _Jerk-off!"_

"Ahem…"

A polite cough from the front of the room was all it took to defuse this brewing conflict. Saki was privately amazed at how swiftly the two mutants calmed down and went back to standing respectfully before the officials from Kamisu 66's most prestigious government divisions. No amount of Cantus Power, regardless of how reality-altering or vast in its scope, could mimic the type of deference engendered by such casual authority.

She looked at the three-person board overseeing these proceedings. Despite her opinions concerning their ruthlessly cold-hearted extermination of problem children, Saki could not help but feel a certain measure of respectful awe for the government overseers. Being simply another member of the Dept. of Mutant Management, she could currently command only so much influence in their society. But these three people represented clout on a level most couldn't begin to attain, to the point where they practically deserved the title of 'gods' the Monster Rats bestowed upon all humanity. First there was Kofu Hino of the Evaluation Committee. Dressed in a rather dated monk's outfit, with a bulging belly, bald head and pointy little moustaches, his half-closed eyes lent him the appearance of almost perpetual boredom. Yet he commanded Cantus that could achieve wonders undreamt of by an average practitioner like herself.

At the other end of the table sat Kaburagi Shisei. Gloved hands laced before him and eyes hidden behind a ceremonial mask, the Security Committee Advisor projected an aura of power and self-control that was well-earned. One did not become the greatest living esper of their age without good cause. His slightest whim could uproot entire mountain ranges and part oceans from coast to coast. Some even whispered he could undo the whole planet were he so inclined. It was a terrifying impression, even if untrue. That much contained power could not help but be afforded wary respect.

Perhaps most mesmerizing of all was the most innocuous of their group. Seated between these two miracle-workers was the demure and self-effacing form of Tomiko Asahina. With curly gray hair falling in gentle waves to her shoulders and an air of almost transcendent sang-froid, the Head of the Ethics Committee was undoubtedly the most powerful person at that table. It was she who had quelled the vociferous argument with no more than a breath. While nowhere near the strength of her colleagues in terms of Cantus, one need never look farther than Lady Tomiko to determine how best to behave. She was as deeply rooted in their community as a mighty oak tree, and nearly as ancient. Having lived for over 250 years, the leader of Kamisu 66 still didn't look more than 30 years old by outward appearances. Not a single line marred her charmingly beautiful face, which always seemed to boast a gentle understanding and compassion that put those around her at ease. Beneath the flower's bloom of health, though, there were steel thorns, to be sure, highlighting a strength of character that had borne generations of villagers on her shoulders. Far more impressive than her Cantus Power was the razor-sharp mind that wielded it. Hers was a truly fearsome aspect, as Saki had good cause to know.

The purpose of their all being in this meeting was simple. Members of the tiny Tarantula Hawk colony, a branch member of the Giant Hornets, had been set upon in the woods by unknown assailants, leaving half a dozen of their member dead. The weapons used indicated another group of Monster Rats had been responsible, specifically those of the Stemborer colony, who had ties to Robber Fly. Both sides accused the other of initiating the attack for their own gain, at the same time proclaiming total obedience to their human overlords. While the death of a few mutants was no great loss, the implications behind such an act had significant ramifications. There had been no permission granted by the Dept. of Mutant Management for this assault. Even if it was an isolated affair, it still struck at the heart of the delicate political situation between the two colonies. Ostensibly the Monster Rats existed solely to provide service to the much less populous humans, a task which they accepted as a divine mandate since these genetically modified creatures owed their current existence entirely to the enhancements bestowed by ancient man. Outside these duties they were allowed to conduct their own internal affairs with only limited supervision.

Her own personal experiences with this arrangement left Saki with a pronounced mistrust of the outwardly obsequious Yakomaru. Though he had once saved her life and that of her friend Satoru Asahina, she couldn't help but be suspicious how swiftly the Robber Flies had advanced both technologically and socially in such a short period of time. Satoru once confided in her a fear that they might intend to supplant humanity as the dominant lifeform on the planet. This idea had left a chill in her heart.

The noble Kiromaru was a shining example of his breed, as loyal to humans as the dog he resembled, but even he had not earned their full trust. Meanwhile the former Squealer hunkered in his larger kinsman's shadow, tiny limbs dangling at his sides and gigantic incisors causing his mouth to always remain open in that oversized head. He was polished and poised, was Yakomaru, and he worried her a great deal for reasons she was not comfortable admitting. She resolved to keep a close eye on him from here on out.

At that moment her boss at the Mutant Dept. took a silent cue from his superiors and turned to address the two sub-human representatives. "We have heard both sides and considered all the evidence. A verdict on this matter will be reached shortly. Before you are dismissed, please take this opportunity to declare anything you might wish to the committee members."

Shaggy-haired Kiromaru blinked at this statement, lifting his muzzle slightly. "By this do you mean… we are granted permission to speak our minds without any fear of reprisal to ourselves or our colonies, kami-sama?"

Saki didn't miss how Yakomaru threw a crafty look from the corner of one eye at his adversary. What was he up to now? Don't let your guard down, she advised herself. The three judges didn't appear nearly as perturbed as she was. Kofu was taking a long slurping sip from his cup of tea. Kaburagi Shisei hadn't moved an inch for the last twenty minutes, while Lady Tomiko sat with chin cupped in one hand and tranquil blue eyes fixed thoughtfully on their disparate servants.

"Yes, Kiromaru, that's correct," her boss confirmed. "You should feel entirely free to express yourself."

"I see."

For a moment the great dog-general's gaze drifted down to the floor. Then he squared his broad shoulders, head rising proudly and fixing green vulpine eyes on the wall behind the committee members' heads. "Then I shall take this opportunity to state that Tomiko-sama is hot!"

" _PFFT!"_

Tea spewed loudly to go spattering across the floor. With it there came a 'bonk' sound. Saki chose to ignore all this in favor of focusing on Yakomaru. She had to be careful not to overlook any indication that he might be plotting to…

Wait.

What did Kiromaru just say?

Her perceptions then returned to the room in total. What she saw there left poor Saki even more perplexed. The other members of the Mutant Management Dept. all wore the exact same slack-jawed look of dumbfounded incredulity. Meanwhile at the table dominating this referendum, Kofu Hino was coughing and gagging while an anxious attendant pounded him on the back to try and help him suck in air. The 'bonk' sound from before had clearly been Shisei's forehead hitting the table, and now the master mage lay there as though dead to the world.

For her part, Tomiko-sama hadn't moved at all, except her eyebrows might have lifted a fraction. Beyond this she didn't appear to be particularly upset to have just been…

Hang on, what just happened?

Looking back at the Monster Rat ambassadors, Saki perceived no change in Kiromaru. He still stood erect with gaze fixed squarely on the far wall. Yakomaru, however, had whipped his bald head around and was now staring at the other mutant with eyes so big they looked in danger of popping forth from his skull. There was no hiding the shock written large on his squashed rodent features. He spoke not a word, apparently tongue-tied at the idea of… of…

No, seriously, what the _hell…?!_

When no form of chastisement came to his person, whether verbally or by way of telekinetically exploding head, Kiromaru then added in clipped tones, "Hot like wasabi! Hot granny!" before falling silent again.

Saki closed her eyes and gave her head a little shake. When she opened them, nothing had changed. Except…

Was Lady Tomiko smiling a little?

"And a class act, too!" Kiromaru barked. "Classy lady, all the way."

Kofu's bald pate was turning purple, whether from anger or lack of oxygen. All the same he apparently still could not respond to this wholly unprecedented situation. All her coworkers were still staring at Kiromaru. Shisei hadn't so much as twitched since hitting the table. It was possible that single out-of-the-blue statement had short-circuited his brain. And Tomiko-sama… had drawn one sleeve of her kimono up to hide her mouth! Those deep blue eyes had closed, but were her cheeks actually turning _pink?!_

Someone has to do something. Somebody… _anybody_ has to react to this! Get us back on track! Realizing that she might be the only person in the room with the requisite mental clarity, objectivity and necessary supply of air, Saki opened her mouth and drew in a deep breath to speak.

Before she could, Kiromaru declared, "Still like to nut her, though."

He then crossed his arms and fell silent.

Saki couldn't move. Couldn't breathe. She could hardly _think!_ If anyone were so inclined, they could probably launch a sneak attack and wipe out this entire conclave before anybody could react with Cantus or what-not.

Suddenly she noticed Yakomaru had broken out of his state of shock. In the last few seconds his face had taken on a very shrewd, suspicious expression as he regarded Kiromaru, like he was searching for an indication that this was all some kind of ingenious trap meant to snare him. Slowly the little rat-politician turned his head away before glancing sharply back as though to catch Kiromaru by surprise. When the bigger mutant still made no response and it was clear his body was not about to explode in bloody telekinetic trauma, Yakomaru then turned his attention on the rest of the room. He studied them intently. All humans, all wielders of Cantus, and yet none of them had reacted in the way one might expect upon hearing a Monster Rat proposition a human female, which was to coldly kill them without remorse. A calculating look passed over the richly-dressed rodent's face as this seemed to dawn upon him, and he scratched his chin in thought.

A horrible suspicion grew in Saki's mind just as those red-and-black eyes drifted over to her. She saw him examine her from top to bottom in a way that gave Saki the heebie-jeebies something fierce. The slow smile that curved the corners of his mouth made her wish she had worn a sweater today.

After this Yakomaru gave a small cough and crossed both hands behind his back, declaring, "May I just say…"

"NO! NO YOU MAY NOT!" Paunchy Kobu Hino had recovered his voice and now leapt to his feet, googly eyes outthrust and fat body shaking in fury so bad he could not even focus his Cantus. "YOU FILTHY… FILTHY, DISGUSTING, LOWLY LEWD MONSTER RAT, YOU!"

Yakomaru's head snapped around, gleaming eyes narrowed dangerously. "Watch it, ugly! Or you'll be the _first against the wall when the revolution comes!"_

At this Lady Tomiko leaned forward in her seat. "And what revolution would that be, Yakomaru?"

The Robber Fly dignitary went still, perhaps replaying his previous statement and realizing how it made him look. He then crossed his claws before him with an impressive air of dignity. "Forgive me, kami-sama. I spoke rashly, with no coherent thought at the time. Pray give it no mind." And he bowed in utter obeisance.

Not a change of expression passed over Tomiko Asahina's genteel features. Instead she rose elegantly upright. "Everyone, I believe this matter must be postponed for another time. Thanks to our loyal Monster Rat emissaries for making the long journey here to speak with us. You are dismissed."

Yakomaru and Kiromaru bowed as one and trooped on out. None of the other humans present moved. Tomiko placed a hand on the gasping Kofu's shoulder, who had collapsed back into his seat. She spoke a few words in quiet tones which had no obviously beneficial effect on him, but neither did he go rocketing in search of Monster Rat blood either. After this she turned her attention to Kaburagi Shisei. A soft-spoken use of his name earned no response, nor did giving his shoulder a small shake. Finally with a sigh the head of their district apparently gave up and moved towards the door. Pausing with one hand on the frame, she looked back and caught Saki's eye.

"Pardon me, Saki-chan, but can I ask you to handle things here? I must be going now. Thank you, dear!"

And with that she left.

After about a minute the younger woman found her feet. Feeling in no way able to take charge of this situation at the moment, she stumbled towards the exit in search of fresh air. Upon entering a covered walkway spanning the garden outside, however, Saki was astonished to see Lady Tomiko and Kiromaru conversing further down the way on a bridge spanning a decorative stream. She couldn't hear what they were saying, but after a while the ancient dignitary laughed lightly with a fan held before her face. Tomiko then indicated down the path, and the two of them strolled off together, chatting amiably all the while.

Gaping in disbelief at this occurrence, she heard a small *snap* beside her. Looking down, Saki found herself joined by Yakomaru, who was holding a cigarette between two claws and glancing up at her invitingly.

"So, do you _come_ here often?" he inquired in a husky tone.

"YEE-E-E-E-EK!"

Next thing he knew the tiny social climber was launched through the air under force of Cantus Power to land right in the stream. Splashing and struggling, he managed to clamber back onto dry land where he noticed Saki Watanabi tearing off into the distance like a host of Ogres was on her tail.

"Playing hard to get, I see," he said, and grinned to himself. After that he went to brush up on his False Minoshiro's historical chapters concerning 'Indication of Interest' and 'Subliminal Seduction with Power Words'.

 _ **FIN.**_


End file.
